While the statistics for divorce vary slightly and the categories for the numbers can be very broad, sexual satisfaction (or lack thereof) plays a high percentage role in marital friction. There are many factors however which can lead someone to seek another when in a committed relationship, only some of which will be talked about here.
It’s easy, with the repressed sexual nature of our culture to make hasty assumptions about someone’s sexual needs. As with most life-topics we are conditioned at an early age and continually as we grow older; it also seems that the more taboo and edginess we have towards a certain topic, the more conditioning we’ve had around that topic.
Having what I’d consider to be a healthy sexual appetite (gaged by my conditioning admittedly), I’d be happy if my partner and I were making love once per week. I would certainly enjoy more, but I think once would keep me in good spirits. I’ve had partners who’d had a greater appetite, as well as those with less. My sexual needs are more meaningful to me than merely the orgasm though (I discovered several years ago). For me, there is a spiritual connection that I am seeking to experience with my partner. This is a connection that makes me feel closer with my partner, and that connection fuels me to continue acts of service with joy and appreciation for my partner, and it helps me feel appreciated and cared for by her! There are caveats within the experience that contribute to these feelings as well.
Presence may be the most critical piece of the puzzle when engaging romantically with a significant other. Let’s face it, we are engaging with each other to express our love and desire and by nature we are seeking attention from our lover. When our other is preoccupied or in their own head, the connection can fall flat and regardless of whether orgasm is achieved by either, the lack of presence can leave the lovers feeling disconnected and wanting something more or different. Experiencing this can fuel emotional distance for me, sensing she wasn’t “with me” while she was with me.
I don’t expect you all to agree with what I’ve written to this point. I used to though. I couldn’t understand why my partner who loves me wasn’t connecting with me during sex. While a partner may have communicated about what she needs in order to feel open to having sex, looking back, I see there was a disconnection from my side of the equation as well. I want my partner to desire me. Why would someone choose to be with me if they don’t desire me? And if they desire me, why wouldn’t they want to express that desire sexually? These are the types of questions which can spin out of control if we don’t involve our other in the discussion.
Fairly recently, a friend came to visit me who is an ecstasy and bliss coach by profession. She shared some insightful information with me about her practice and it certainly shifted my perspective. While I’m not deeply studied in her realm, and this information being new, I’m sure I will miss some super important information and I encourage you to seek out these ideas on your own. I’m sure you’ll find it more eloquent than my explanations.
What my dear friend shared with me is that we all have a sexual blueprint in which we each operate. The “types” in these blueprints are: sexual, sensual, kinky, energetic, and shape-shifter (which can embody any and all of the others). Most people will have all 5 show up for them to one degree or another, and most have a dominating trait which they tend to lead with. For me, I am a sensual primarily, followed by being energetic and a balance between all the rest. So, for me, I engage best with my senses being delighted; sight, sound, scent, taste, and touch are the driving elements to my turn on.
Thinking about sexuality in terms of this blueprint helped me gain some new insight to previous relationships as well as how I can approach my partner differently in the future. If a sensual meets another sensual, connecting through love making might be a no-brainer. What happens though when we are in a relationship with someone with a different dominating trait? While both people are turned on in different ways, it becomes more and more important to be more thoughtful while seeking sexual engagement from the other. We can’t expect someone to want to have a sexual encounter just because we are feeling it in the moment. What is your partner needing to open up sexually? Are they needing an emotional connection which helps build their desire over the course of days? Are they the type who needs their boundaries pushed; adding to the excitement of the encounter?
The point being, if we are looking to have a meaningful sexual relationship with our partners, it is worth our while to do additional research on our significant others to determine what it is that they need which can bring a much more gratifying interaction that both people wish to perpetuate. If something is off in the bedroom, it’s time to start a conversation. While it may feel out of one’s comfort zone to create the space for a conversation about sex, realize that we can’t make improvements by sticking our head in the sand. Are you committed? Are you in love? Remember these things as you approach your partner. Make a date to talk about it. Allow it to be an exploration of getting to know each other better. This is to be a positive and loving conversation. Share how you’re feeling about having the conversation to begin with. There’s a lot that can come up for people as they go through this. Traumas and shame can have a major impact on someone’s sexual sensibilities and so both parties approaching the conversation with compassion and curiosity is top priority! There is no place for judgement here. Ask questions, seek to hear your partner and to understand them better. Share your levels of discomfort and find ways to nurture your other as they are being vulnerable with you. Remember, be humble, you may not know the answers right away. Go learn together – in love!
So, what makes your partner tick? How can you become the lover that your partner craves to be with? How can you support your partner in becoming the same? Get on each other’s page and you may find a connection with your lover you never thought possible previously!
Get in touch with us at Uninhibited Wellness if you’d like to explore some solutions for communicating with your beloved about challenging subjects such as these.